Today I’m starting a new series. In the survey I posted last week, one of the questions was if you have “any questions for me I can answer on the blog.” There were a ton of questions (which I love, so thank you), so I thought I would address them in this series. I will try and group similar questions in the same post. Some are light-hearted while others are serious. A lot of you wanted to know about managing time as a mom/juggling everything and specific finance situations, so I will definitely address those. Thank you again for taking the survey and asking questions. Your comments were super sweet too. I truly appreciate it! Feel free to keep asking questions in the comments or on social media…I will add them and answer them as well.
I wanted to start off the series with a more personal question…it is also on my mind a lot lately.
If you’re new at all, here’s a little background. My husband and I have two boys – Beckham, who is 4.5 (November birthday) and Maddox, who is 2 (June birthday). Since the time I started to think about children, I pictured having two kids, specifically two boys. So far, everything is playing out how I envisioned.
Will we have more kids?
I have no idea! This is a very loaded question for me and something I wonder often as Maddox is getting older and older. Let’s just say nothing is permanent, but it is not something we are trying for…actually the opposite. I’m really on the fence about it, but more on the No side right now. Ryan is all for a third, so these are things I ponder. You want to know my super analytical thoughts?
Reasons for not…
-One of our boys requires some serious intentional parenting. You know, those “spirited children.” A baby would really take away from that.
-Financial – It’s said that one child costs over $200,000 from birth to 18 years old. That’s a lot of money. Then there is college. There are some people who think you can never be prepared financially for children and then there are some who think you can. I am definitely in the category of thinking you can, although we are as prepared as we can be. It’s just a matter of figuring out how to do it with an other person to care for.
-Chaos: This depends greatly on the personality type of the mother. I am a planner. An organizer. I like calm. All you parents, are you laughing right now? Clearly, more kids would be harder to manage, especially during the school year when Ryan is gone for reffing.
-I’m scared of newborns: Okay, I’m not really scared of them, but I have had a rough time with both boys the first year of their life (on my part mainly) for a number of different reasons. The newborn phase is not easy for me.
-I feel like I can provide more for 2 kids vs. 3 kids. Again, this depends on each family and their financial situation, but I think of all the future costs and I know it’s a lot. And yes, I know kids really only need LOVE, but let’s be real, kids also need food and shelter and clothes and education. I also want to provide them with opportunities that I feel with help them succeed in life. I also feel like I can be more involved with two, specifically when they are older and involved in activities.
With all that said…
Reasons for yes…
-I grew up with 3 other siblings (older sister, younger brother, and younger sister)…my mom had all 4 of us within 6 years. My older sister had a child when she was 16, so we really grew up with 5 kids in the house (I was in 8th grade). So, 2 kids seems kind of small to me.
-I want lots of family when I grow up. Ryan and I are saving to retire early and enjoy it fully. I want to spend that time with my boys, their wives, and their kids! I dream of that. So, the more the merrier.
-I do not know one person who has regretted having a third child 🙂 It might be tougher, but I know we wouldn’t regret it.
-Ryan wants a third.
-I feel like I’m much more prepared to have an additional child, emotionally and mentally, than I was when I had Maddox.
Can you tell I’m an analytical person and think with my head, not my heart? I’ve always made big decisions with my head and it has not steered me wrong yet. The heart can be deceiving, so I like to think it out. Ultimately, God will take care of it all.
If so, when?
If we did, I wouldn’t want Maddox and #3 to be too far apart (maybe 2017?). It took us a while to get pregnant with Maddox, so ultimately, timing would be in God’s hands.
Any actions to prepare for kids financially and domestically?
I can only speak from my experience, but yes, there are ways to prepare for children.
Financially, any debt, besides a house, is really going to be difficult to pay off after kids, so I’d suggest getting rid of it before kids if you can. Your expenses will increase greatly from hospital bills to diapers to sports, etc. Finding money for debt will only get harder.
Other than debt being paid off, I would make sure your “budget game” is on point. Meaning, have a system and know where every dollar is going. You’ll want to have extra money each month for those expenses once you have baby.
Don’t waste your money on expensive baby stuff. I did this with Beckham somewhat and can’t believe I did. They go through stuff SO FAST (clothes, especially 0-18 mo, a swing, bouncer, seats, etc). And, if they’re like my boys, they demolish it all. They have an incredible talent at finding the impossible way to destroy things. If you plan on having multiple kids, investing in good things like a monitor, aren’t too bad, but majority of “baby stuff” gets used so quickly. Expensive crib? They’ll chew on it. Expensive dresser? They’ll rip the drawers off the track or color on it or beat their toys on it. Expensive swing? They may hate it. I saved so much money on the boys’ clothes at consignment stores. I like getting pajamas and shoes (2yrs old and up) new.
For us financially, the best way for us to prepare would be to make more money. Otherwise, I could be a little more frugal with eating out and/or groceries, but our budget is pretty tight as it is.
Domestically, as a mom, this depends on whether or not you can (or want to) work inside or outside the home. After my maternity leave, Beckham was 4 months old and I decided to go back to work to finish the school year (went back in March and school ended in beginning of June). Since it was a short time, we decided to get a nanny for those months. This allowed me to get paid through August (teachers get paid September through August) which was nice. Aside from that, I’ve been at home with the boys.
For me, staying home with my kids was exactly where I knew I needed to be. I am a much better mom and wife if I’m not working outside the home. I do manage an Etsy shop and a blog, but I’m able to work on those when the kids are asleep or at preschool. Sometimes it makes it harder because I’m up at wee hours of the night (or morning) :), but it’s worth it. I can always work. I can never get this time back with my kids.
I didn’t find the transition from no kids to having a baby terribly frustrating domestically. It was harder to cook and clean, but I feel like I still managed to get it done. Going from 1 to 2 kids rocked my world domestically though. I feel like I have no rhyme or reason some days. Often I feel like I go about my day the best I can…making sure kids are fed and taken care of, even though I feel out of whack in other areas of my job (i.e. cleaning, cooking, taking care of myself). I’m a perfectionist and that is a frustrating thing as a mom.
Things to help domestically if you stay home? A good cleaning schedule, plan meals, cooking them at nap time and reheating is also helpful, planning our day (even if it’s at home), laundry everyday, a good morning routine, and lots of prayer. One of the best things I’ve noticed lately for me to manage my house is to SIMPLIFY. Simplify everything. It’s funny how I’m more at peace in my home when I have less stuff. Also, seek help when you can. It’s hard for me to ask for help, but I can’t do it all on my own. For me, this was preschool. I also ask my mother-in-law or mom for help when I need it and ask my husband with help around the house if I really need to work at night.
I won’t tell you to let things go, because as a perfectionist that’s just annoying to hear, but I do think knowing things are not going to go as planned all the time is freeing and less frustrating. For example, I have come to the realization that things are just going to break in my house. That’s not to say I let me kids break things or don’t teach them how to act properly in a home, but they’re kids. Accidents happen. And when they’re not accidents, I know that’s them learning…testing me. I’ve also learned that they will always have “something” wrong right before we load the car (take their shoes off, get hurt, diaper change, spilled drink all over them, etc.). I just try to plan extra time. And I have really learned that yelling doesn’t do them (or me) any good.
Thank you reader for the questions. I hope that was of some interest for you guys. I know we are all different in how we think about kids, this was just from my perspective. Do you have any tips to prepare for kids financially or domestically? I’m also always curious what number of kids was hardest in transition for people???
Hope you have a great Labor Day!
Great post!
Lives reading this! We just had our first baby and definitely want abother but are up in the air about a third and it’s constantly on my mind. It was really interesting to read your perspective on it. We are a two teacher family so finances are definitely a factor as well.
Oops lives = loved 😉 the joy of typing while feeding a 4 month old!! Ha
My vote is YES!!! 😉
Loved this!! I’m in the same boat as you!! 3 kids?? I’m letting God handle this one too
I’ve been a reader for awhile, but never commented before, but thought I would on this one . I just had my 3rd little boy a little over 9 months ago. For me, going from 2-3 was by far the hardest transition. I was a hot mess for awhile, but to be fair I had a kindergartener in a very challenging school, my middle son has speech delays, and the baby has horrible reflux. My boys are 6, 4, and of course 9 months. I’d take all of the craziness over again because my 2 older boys absolutely adore their little brother and he lights up when he sees them, so it’s totally worth it! Now I have to convince my husband for a 4th when I turn 34-35 and don’t have anymore kids at home haha!
Have the 3rd child. I am a Grandmother & I had 2 children & at the time our budget was tight so I didn’t have anymore kids. I have always regretted it. We could have managed & like you we are a very close family. I am an only child & have always hated it. If I could not have had more than one physically I certainly would have adopted.
Aww, I love your perspective on this. Really good to hear from someone who has past that stage and can look back on it. Thanks for sharing!
Great Post. I would love to hear more about your plans for early retirement (what age do you plan to retire, how many years will Ryan have to work, how much do you plan to save before you retire, etc.). My husband and I have two children (we’re both in our early 30’s and hoping to be done working in the next 5-10 years) and are saving towards early retirement, but are also planning on a third child (just trying to decide when). We’re also trying to decide if we’re going for ‘full on’ no-work early retirement (would need more money for that) or if we would save most of what we need and then reduce our schedules to part-time work and/or do something we want to do on the side to make money (ie. personal training or something like that). I’d love to hear more of your plans on the subject as I’m always curious how others plan to do early retirement.
Will do Robin! Early for us is about 55-58 yrs old for Ryan. Depending on what I do once kids are in school or if I ever go back into a traditional job will depend on when I retire. I’m 8 years younger so not sure if he would just work later and retire when I’m “young” (50’s) or vice versa. We would like to live off the investments (if market is good) plus his teaching retirement. That would require a little more time investing. BUT that is very dependent on the market, our circumstances, etc. I’ll have to crunch some numbers with Ryan. We also have another investment, but that is saved for college (if not used for college, we get to use for retirement or whatever). Hope that explains a little. Our plan is to not think too much about money when we’re older and give it away to our kids, church, people in need whether physically or through experiences. So curious to hear more about your plans too…sounds like you guys have a great plan.
Great post!! Thanks for being so open and sharing such detailed thoughts.
My husband and I have one daughter. She’ll be seven next month. We each have a sister, so we imagined we’d have two children, too, but I was just shy of 35 when our daughter was born. We’ve always joked that we were already old and tired when she came along, but it’s sort of true. 🙂 When she got to the age when everyone seems to have second kids (18-24 months), we just couldn’t imagine starting over with a newborn. Life was just getting back to a manageable normal for our family.
I agree with the cons of having another child you listed (financial, emotional, etc.), and I would add that parenting is tough. There’s a certain amount of surrendering the “adult” part of life for carrying for babies, doing kid activities, taking kid-oriented vacations, etc. I want to have more balance of adult and kid “life”, and having another would tip the “kid stuff” balance in a way that wouldn’t feel right for me. This may seem selfish, but I think it’s important for everyone to find the right balance for them.
Thanks Amy for your experience too…I love hearing from different people. You’re right about the right balance for each of us. Such a hard decision.
All of your pros/cons are very well thought out. We had a surprise 3rd and it wasn’t an easy transition for me (3 babies in 37 months) and yes the 3rd is more expensive and life is a bit crazier but of course the blessing is the older 2 really love their baby sister. And above all else, it made me even more dependent on the Lord to survive each day as I really had zero control (painful for my type A personality). Thanks for sharing this post and your tips!
3 babies in 37 months?!?! Wow. It honestly sounds like it will be such a fun time in your household with everyone so close!!! But yes, there has to be a bit of crazy sometimes 🙂 Type A and crazy don’t work well do they? Ugh!
Olivia, this is a really really great post!!
With our third, I feel like we’ll never be prepared financially, but now is the right time for us to continue adding to our family 🙂
And your parts about being a perfectionist, needing to simplify, and not yelling— they really resonated with me 🙂
Rachel I am SOOO excited for you and cannot wait to hear how things go. I feel like we are so similar in a lot of ways so I can’t wait to pick your brain. And I’d be the same too…3 boys!
I loved this post. It’s nice to hear someone with similar thoughts. i had a “interesting” experience with my second and it terrifies me to have a 3rd. we’re so past the baby stage now (my kids 5 and 3, almost 4) and it’s crazy to think about going back. loved reading your thoughts, and agree with so many of them.
It’s obvious you’ve put a lot of thought into this and it is such a personal decision so I would never presume to tell you what you should do! But, if I could make the case for another baby 🙂 We had three and thought we were done. Our 4th will turn 3 months on Friday 🙂 When I had one it was hard for me to imagine how I could manage 2. When I had 2 I couldn’t fathom having 3. When I had 3 I was completely overwhelmed at the thought of 4. But now that we’ve had a fourth, I’m starting to realize that parenting kind of gets easier the more kids you have. It isn’t that there aren’t hard days, but you just get better at it. You are better able to handle things than you were before. I HATED the newborn stage with my first and second. I have loved it with my third and fourth. My husband, who was firmly against a fourth is now saying he would be okay having a fifth! And here’s the other thing. Once you have one of each gender, it actually gets less expensive. That $200,000 number is way overinflated in my opinion. You already have the baby gear! Yes, it’s a little beat up but other than car seats, it doesn’t expire. We have all the clothes we will ever need. We waste less food because the recipes I would make when we just had 2 kids usually gave us leftovers that we struggled to eat. So I’m not spending that much more on groceries, really. And the obvious huge pro is, they just add so much joy to your life. Responsibility, sure. But I would honestly trade all my free time for my kids – they are so precious! That fourth surprise baby that I thought would overwhelm me has been the biggest blessing and is the best part of our year. Anyway, just a perspective from a mom with a lot of little ones 🙂 Ultimately it is between you and your husband! And sometimes, like us, God might override your plans and give you an unexpected blessing 🙂
Thank you…I love hearing the perspective of others! It’s honestly good to hear that I won’t crumble up and stay in the fetal position if I had a third like I imagine I would 🙂 I think you’re right about getting better at parenting the more you have or the older you get. Sometimes I wish I could rewind to #1 and do over with what I know now!